Sometimes we know too much.

"What are the Laws of Nature, but the mathematical thoughts of God." -Euclid

 

 

 

 

   One of the biggest lessons I learned during my conversion from agnosticism to Christianity, is that it is possible for us to know too much. We, as non believers, can strive so hard to absorb all reason, understanding, empirical and theoretical knowledge, that we can educate ourselves into a perpetual state of hubris.



   I spent many years reading and trying to understand many different subjects, to gain the answers to questions that were answered when I stopped denying God. I asked the biggest questions: Where did we come from? Where did the Universe come from? Why am I here? What happens when I die? Can I live forever?

   Of course, education did nothing to answer these questions for me. At best, they led to some understanding, but created more questions. At worst, my "answers" led to false understanding which was exposed when I furthered my research at a later time. I began to delve into such subjects as The Big Bang Theory, the search for extraterrestrial life, astrophysics, biology, some philosophy and other related subjects. As soon as I thought I had a subject well within my mental grasp, I would begin to question what I knew. Much like a philosophy major, I thought I understood the world, until I read the next set of authors who taught me that my previous understanding was incorrect, and my new understanding was now correct. Until I read another book...and another etc. etc.

   All I truly figured out, was I had a grand set of theories within my head that was based on the writings and research of other individuals. None of my personal theories and world views were all encompassing in their definitions of the universe and the questions I was seeking answers to.

   I was so confident in my "understanding" of the ways of the world, that I did not want to hear what God was speaking to me. I did not want to see the signs He was trying to display for me. I would flit in and out of religion. Life would get rough. As the old saying goes "There are no Atheists in foxholes", so when life's problems became bigger than myself, I would try God again. I would beg for his Hand of Mercy without knowing what I was asking for. I would try barter with God. I would promise all manner of service, all manner of sacrifice if He would only help me out of this massive problem that I had at that time, whatever it may be. In the end, I never followed through on my promises. I explained away His Mercy and His Grace as luck or coincidence. I never acknowledged what it was that He did for me. I denied him, even after He had once again, forgiven me for rebuking Him, forgiven me for turning my back on Him.

   In all reality, I knew so much, that my knowledge and research had prevented me from faith. It had prevented me from believing. It had prevented me from everything that I sought in God. I was dying for answers, but I wanted answers on my terms. I did not want answers that God gave me. Why? Because I would have to acknowledge I was not in control. I would have to acknowledge that I was not master of the universe, He was, and that conflicted with my self imposed hubris.

 

   I wanted to be able to explain everything, even though my thirst for knowledge was self evident of my lack of an explanation, I still denied that God was the answer. Oh how wrong I was.